Recovering from Online Romance Fraud

Your Safety Matters

Securing your own personal safety and accessing the right help is vital to begin stabilising the situation. The guidance and resources in this site will support you with steps to take to secure your immediate and long-term safety.

You are Important

The idea of self-care may feel impossible when you have been so invalidated by another person. You may have internalised feelings of worthlessness and shame, perhaps feeling anxious and lost, confused without that relationship or not sure how to manage leaving the relationship behind for your own wellbeing and protection. A sense of disbelief is another natural reaction, and it can take time to adjust to the new reality you are experiencing and how to address the situation for your present and future wellbeing.

Your Emotions Matter

Grief, anxiety and shame are recognised effects of the impact of a romance fraud relationship. You may experience anger and outrage and powerless in achieving any sense of justice and resolution for yourself in the wake of these experiences. Victims can be made to feel that the relationship and what happens is their sole responsibly, and then feel ashamed that they “didn’t see it coming” or “see through the person” and blame themselves. The grief of the hopes of what has been lost and what has been lost is real, and emotional support is vital to help prevent a downwards spiral of self-blame, guilt and self-rejection.

Acknowledge the hurt 

This relationship has been real and meaningful until the realisation that the other person was not who you believed them to be. Emotions and thoughts can feel conflicted, even though they have been shown to have violated your trust you may miss the connection, intimacy and hopes you had of the relationship. Trusting another person who then violates and betrays that trust can result in deep hurt, loss of trust in yourself and others and have widespread effects in life. It is natural to avoid, maybe try to push away such painful and difficult responses to hurt. Beginning to acknowledge how you feel and how this affects you is important is a first step towards valuing yourself again and rebuilding your life. This understanding becomes a valuable resource in protecting and regaining trust in yourself in your present and future life.

Practice self-kindness

A key point is reminding yourself, and be reminded by understanding others, that you are not to blame for trusting another person who deliberately set out to deceive you. This is important when you begin to think and feel painful thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations. It may be hard to believe if others are blaming you for difficult consequences of this experience in your life. Remember that fraudsters are adept at instilling self-doubt and cultivating a false sense of security, trust and exploiting a willingness to help others in their victims. They appeal to a natural human need to feel valued, loved and cared for. It may be that you met them at a particularly difficult time in your life. Paying attention to your physical and mental health is very important as you negotiate such a painful experience. Grief and loss can have mental and physical health impacts. Some people may have PTSD symptoms associated with trauma from the shock of what is or has happened to them. As we have acknowledged, feelings and thoughts about yourself may make reaching out for help difficult. We strongly encourage you to reach out for help with your health and wellbeing at such as sensitive and challenging time. Professional and peer supporters are trained in understanding the difficulties you may be facing and are committed to help you in a constructive and meaningful way.

Healing and recovery are individual experiences

In any relationship, an identity forms from the people involved that is unique. Separating out as an individual from this can both feel and be difficult. You may have had your confidence, trust in yourself and your own judgement affected badly. This is a known effect of abusive relationships and grooming strategies. When this happens, it becomes much harder to experience and trust yourself as a separate person, with the confidence and ability to act on your own behalf. You may feel disorientated, confused and conflicted about your own identity, as you leave behind the identity you experienced in the relationship. Often, this is not a cut and dried process, there can be so many areas of life to recover alongside navigating the personal impacts of the experience.

Share your story

You may find recording your thoughts, and feelings through is helpful. Think about regular activities that help you feel calmer, share your life with others or gain valuable restorative time by yourself. Accessing one time and ongoing support may be important. Some people find joining peer support groups helpful, as getting to know others with similar experiences can provide a place where acceptance is an important value and others can help with strategies to cope with the multiple effects of online romance fraud. Over time, self-trust and confidence may grow as you experience healthier responses to your emotional, mental and physical needs and desires in life. Counselling and therapy may also be powerful with a non-judgemental, skilled therapist who provides a safe and confidential space to work through your concerns and what is best for you in the future. Learning coping strategies for the future. Healing and recovery with hurtful and life changing experiences is an individual and unique process. Learning about your own needs and vulnerabilities can increase your self-respect and ability to protect yourself in future life.