Family and Friends
It can be very difficult and frustrating watching someone close to you being scammed and manipulated, especially if you can see what is happening but they seem not to be able -or willing- to.
You may have suffered your own losses from this fraud. You may feel you have lost a valuable relationship with your family member or friend. And you may have lost financially, for example if the victim borrowed money from you to pay the fraudster, or if the fraud has affected your inheritance.
All of this makes it hard to help your friend or family member to free themselves and recover from romance fraud. Here we share some do’s and don’ts to help you support that person:
Do
- Remember that, for victims of romance fraud, the romantic relationship is real. Being in love with their abuser can make it hard for them to accept practical advice or ‘read’ the warning signs in the same way as people looking in from the outside
- Try to understand what they are going through. Romance fraud causes multiple kinds of harm. These include relationship loss, financial loss and emotional and sexual abuse. Victims can be left broke, broken-hearted, isolated from and abandoned by family and friends, and seriously traumatised. They often suffer deep shame about their abuse, as well as emotional devastation
- Learn about the recovery process for victims of romance fraud. This will put you in a stronger position to help your family or friend to build trust and faith in themselves and regain hope. Recovery is essential for building a person’s resilience against re- victimisation. Many victims are victims more than once
- Help victims re-connect with friends and organisations they’ve been isolated from. Romance fraudsters often monopolise and control their victims so their life and identity centre around the fraudster. Inviting victims to participate in small, gentle social outings can help them recover their sense of self as separate from their abuser.
- Help victims stay safe by checking their risk levels. Have they had physical contact with the fraudster? Have they shared their address, date of birth or card or bank details? If so, they may need X, Y Z.
- Help victims to deal with the practical aspects of sorting out their lives. Victims often need to gather evidence alone and deal with police, banks, insurers and other organisations to try to mitigate the financial damage and get justice. This can be tiring and confusing, and especially difficult for people who are also experiencing psychological and emotional fallout.
Don't
- Judge, blame or shame victims for what has happened to them. Victims of romance fraud did not do this to themselves. They have been skilfully groomed and manipulated, often by people who are seasoned experts in this kind of crime. Blaming and shaming victims can further isolate them and reduce their self-worth. This harms their chances of becoming empowered to end the abuse, recover and protect themselves in the future. Some victims have reported feeling suicidal and some have ended their lives.
- Fixate on getting your friend or family member to ‘snap out of it’ or to see the relationship as fake and fraudulent. Perspective and clarity will likely be achieved once a victim has started their recovery. In the meantime, helping them to stay safe, re-connect with others, and stop losing money should be your priority.
- Assume that the fact that someone has been victimised once means they are safe from being victimised again in the future. Scammers often share contact details and detailed and intimate personal information about people they have already victimised. This inside information helps them target the same victim again, but this time even more effectively
"I was talking to one friend and she, instead of supports me, she judges me. ..that's not nice… it's the worst. So, I'd rather keep to myself now because I know how to deal, to dealt with it. Because it's painful the way I went. I had enough to go through and the last thing you need [is] to be judged."
Professional
Do
- Inform yourself about the dynamics of romance fraud and the methods used by fraudsters. Understanding how this kind of abuse works and what the psychological, emotional, and financial impacts are will help you relate to, connect with, and better support victims
- Adopt a realistic definition of ‘success’ for engagement with a victim. The priority should be to help people stay safe, re-connect with others outside the relationship to reduce isolation, and stop sending money.
- Accept that victims may continue to be in denial even when they need support. It is unrealistic and unhelpful to expect a victim to just ‘snap out of it’. Interventions and support will be more likely to succeed if based on an acknowledgement that there may be a transitional period where a victim remains in contact with the fraudster
- Follow up with victims if you are dealing with their case, even if it is just to tell them that there is no progress, or that you have done all you can.
Don't
- Blame or shame victims for what has happened to them. Victims of romance fraud did not do this to themselves. They have been skilfully groomed and manipulated, often by seasoned criminals. Throwaway comments that imply victims are Commented [HD5]: Include hyperlink to resources in Section 1 responsible for what happened to them can further isolate them and reduce their self- worth. This harms their chances of becoming empowered to end the abuse, recover and protect themselves in the future. Some victims have reported feeling suicidal and some have ended their lives
Fraud Prevention Practitioner: "We need to try and understand it from the victims perspective so we may gently walk beside them back to reality"
- Assume that victims know anything about how to protect themselves and their finances. They likely won’t. Give victims all the information they might need and signpost them to where they can report the fraud, get legal, financial, emotional or psychological support, and protect themselves. For example, police are focused on criminal cases, but some victims may want to pursue civil cases against their abuser. Victims should be informed of their options.
"When I spoke to [a victim support worker] and you know, she, she was, she was an absolute godsend for me at that point, because I needed to hear from somebody that I wasn't stupid. I wasn't, you know, this pathetic woman. You know that, that he was a professional...a fraudster. That was the turning point for me.”
